This has been a long time coming. I drafted this not long after I separated from Ben; who I am proud to say has remained a friend and someone I care for deeply. It’s hard work – but it’s worth it. But people often talk about how they ‘get through’ and I kind of wrote this in possibly a dodgy emotional state, with no purpose, and then left it well alone until now – when I feel strong enough to post it. No proofing, no subbing, just a bit raw. No other reason than to just put it here, other than this blog has done more for me than I ever thought possible. No comments required, or requested. 7 years is a long time and one worth remembering.
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It was just before my 34th birthday that I became single - after 7 years of togetherness. The why’s and how’s aren’t relevant (although they are important) but the main thing learning to be single again is almost a recovery programme, rehab for the confidence. I’m no expert at this as I have not had the relationship success that I suppose others have, you know, more long term partners – but maybe that’s an oxymoron; who knows? What I do know is that there are a number of items, processes, things that help and are helping me move on and move forward, I thought I’d take a moment to share some of them.
1. Hotels.
As soon as ‘it’ happened we both realized that to stay together in the same shared space was just not really an option. We had a place rented on Fire Island, but as beautiful as it is, catching a 6am ferry to Long Island and the subsequent travel hell on LIRR was out of the question. My friends told me that if there was one time in my life for true self-indulgence, this was it. I capitulated and began a journey of hotels in Manhattan that protected me, offered comfort and care and great movies on demand. Psychologically I think staying in hotels (a real passion of mine and incredibly decadent when in one’s own home town) helped me focus on me and what I wanted and needed a well as giving me the ability to have friends come round, to stay awake all night if I wanted and to order some pretty amazing breakfasts. So thanks go to The London, The Gild Hall Hotel and the Millennium Hilton (who offered me a top floor room with sweeping views over ground zero).
2. The gym.
The gym is a brilliant distraction and outlet for tension, sadness, anger and fat. I have a feeling there’s a television program in men in the gym getting therapy from personal/mental trainers who get their bodies and minds fit in tandem. Now, my trainer Chris, was in the middle of life change himself – by that I mean he was preparing for a marriage, god bless him. But during the immediate aftermath he excelled in dignity, care and actually pushing me really hard. It’s not always easy to talk about what’s happening in your life when you’re doing circuit training, but believe me it helps. You can also focus on the thing that you control – your body and create an upside almost, a reward for what you’re going through. It’s no surprise – but it is delightful – that my blood pressure is back to normal and I’ve not just kept off the 30 pounds I’ve dropped, but dropped more.
3. The internet.
No better way to communicate with everyone who needs to know what’s happened than the trilogy of iPhone, Facebook and Email. It’s a landmark moment when you change that relationship status on Face book – and one which gave me considerable torment — I just couldn’t face changing it, but I knew that it was part of the process. I understand that some have said that I live out too much of my life online, but this is where the new community is – this is where my oh so wonderful family can catch up with me – keep tabs on me and send me love and support. It was telling that within moments of changing that status I seemed to receive a flood of incredibly kind messages from many friends- and colleagues. Oh, if you’re going to do that it’s best to prune your friends list first – I did and do often. The iPhone helps because whilst I was looking for Richard and Zoe (dear dear friends who sacrificed their first children-less holiday in New York to support me) I was able to use the GPS to find them, the SMS to contact them and the web to look for a new apartment. It became a critical part of the journey. As was email. The ability to communicate one-way (which is REALLY important sometimes, you may not want dialogue, you just might want to say ‘I’m ok’) is incredibly important.
4. Pictures.
It takes it out of you, whether you’re the protagonist or not – when it happens you’re left thinking ‘who am I?’ it’s hard to realize your value, to see what you mean, who you are and how you look. This is where I got into using Photobooth on my iMac. This time is a time to build confidence, I literally re-taught myself to appreciate who I was – in the most baseline way, how I looked, and to do that I took a picture a day. And I used those pictures. They became profile pics, they were on the fridge door of my internet life. My backgrounds and screensavers focused on ME. I know, arrogant, egotistical – whatever – I needed to overcook my opinion on my looks to rebuild my confidence as a single person. Close friends got this, they understood that it was out of character – but they let me do it, and it helped rewire who I was and my opinion of myself – two things that end up being compromised into any relationship; because that’s how they work.
5. I’m still working on.
